Meagan & the paper wallets

I don't know where this ship is sailing. Right now I’ve got a very small bubble of what my life is going to be. I need a lot of education on how to handle my own feelings and communicate with others well and be in successful relationships. Bringing the boat to an even keel because I think the last few years have really just been like, no thought.

Sometimes I'm like “I'll just stay home for the rest of my life, who cares. What’s it all matter anyways? I'm gonna die. Everybody's gonna die. Everything is bad. So, why don't I just do what I want to do on a daily basis.” Other days, it's like “Well maybe I can make this better.” Like I have something valuable to offer the world. I'd rather go into my life thinking that everything's an opportunity to grow. You can’t think worse of yourself because you failed at something. It’s very self indulgent and selfish and narcissistic but that's the developmental stage I'm at. You've got to figure out what's important to you before you can go out and do more for the world.

I always remember my theater teacher, Dr. G. She was winning national awards but she really only worked with her community. She was huge in so many people’s lives. I'd like to be a part of a community. I'd like to be important in that community. I remember when I was in theater it felt like I was really important and there were 120 people that I would be important to for doing my own little tasks. It was really fast-paced and there's a lot going on all the time. I need a community project. It's the common struggle.

I definitely feel competitive in all facets of my life constantly. And definitely in the creative sphere. I needed to know that I was coming up with better designs or I was putting in more work or that nobody had thought of an idea like mine. Yeah, I don't know if it was healthy or not but it really drove me to higher limits. I think it's healthier to have a competition with yourself. To see if you can do it better than you did the last time.

I've always done art and design from a young age. When I was seven, I would make paper wallets all the time that were functional. And then when I was nine I decorated my whole room with construction paper. Like a rainbow and clouds and a sun. It was the whole room. I spent a whole day doing that. So since forever. I just started cutting stuff out and putting it on the wall. I don't remember the thought process behind it. I remember the countless hours. Dedicated. There was nothing to do.

I'm not doing anything creative at the moment though. It shifted from going to school for design to wondering if that's really how I want to use my creative muscle. Now it's more getting a good routine and taking care of myself. The creativity will slowly seep back in. Creativity comes out more in other parts of my life now that's less artistic and more problem solving. Training a dog requires a lot of creativity.

It’s exhausting. I have to spend a lot of time with him but on the flip side I have a best friend all the time. I get to have chats with him. He’s also really funny, so I think I laugh more than I used to. The biggest change though even past routine and scheduling and training and being exhausted and having a buddy all the time is that I used to never cry at cute things or happy things. I've never had a bond with anything like Bobo and I think that just opened up a whole door of feelings for me. He gives me a lot more than I give him. You're a priority, the dog’s a priority, and so is paying the bills. I'll figure out the rest as we go.

I think my perfect day would be the beach all day. Waking up at the beach, eating a fruitful breakfast, going outside with the dog and you. Maybe a cup of coffee and listening to the waves and smelling the ocean. I’d probably go outside under a sheer tent so I can get a light little tan. But I'll put sunscreen on. I'm not trying to get skin cancer or wrinkles for that matter.

Meagan Worthy | March 30, 2021