Eloisa & the best laid plans
Escape route
Eloisa has always lived her life according to a plan. She knew exactly what it would take to get out of her hometown in New Mexico.
“I grew up in a really small town where the mayor cut your hair. I always knew I needed to get out. I had to do a lot in order to go to college because that was going to pave the way. I was in every extracurricular. I was dancing, running track, president of 50 million clubs. This was all a ticket to get out. I applied for over 150 scholarships. I didn't come from money, we always worked since we were young. We were highly disciplined.
Eloisa grew up working closely with her family. Her mom was an auctioneer and put Eloisa to work at the company. She and her grandma would tag items for the auctions. Her cousins joked they were "12 year olds doing accounting" for the family business. Eloisa also started babysitting at a young age. She was confused when other kids thought it was an option to not do their homework.
Wake up call
“I got into USC, scholarships paid for part of it. I worked as an RA while in school and worked other jobs because I want to be able to pay off my student loans as soon as possible. My brain is always working, worrying about the future, which is a problem. College was a wake up call.”
When she arrived at USC she was shocked at the amount of people her age that were intelligent, wealthy, and athletic. She was used to being the best at things and now she felt below average. She majored in business and cinema with the aspirations of being an actress.
Finding your way
“Depression hit my freshman year. I wasn't the best at everything in our classes. It was hard for me because I was showing up 110 percent and some people never came to class. My mind did not comprehend that someone can not come to class or study and do better than me.”
“My sophomore summer I stayed on campus. That summer was the first time where I fully felt physically depressed. Where I couldn’t do anything. My goal was to just go out and be able to audition and I couldn’t.”
“I think everything in my life has always been planned. I'm going to go to high school, I'm going to be valedictorian, I'm going to be president of all these clubs so I can get into a good college and I can get out of here. I want to be an actor. We're gonna study everything on how to do that and it's going to happen. But I didn't have a plan. How do you live without a plan? My soul didn't want to do it if that makes sense. I do think that wanting to be an actor comes from an ego: ‘I want to be seen.’” and I think that part of it was a disconnect.”
“The reason I wanted to be an actress was an ego goal, not a soul goal. Years later I would realize a person’s why has to be bigger than an external goal of being famous or a millionaire. A persons’ why needs to protect their energy and share it in a certain way. A way that comes alive and spreads joy. In order to find your why, you have to be willing to show up even if you are uncomfortable and messy. Your why isn’t asking if you are able to do it, it is asking if you are available.”
Get moving
After college Eloisa chose to get back into fitness as a way to help with her depression. She bounced between odd job before finding her passion in teaching group fitness. She loves teaching and empowering people to change their lives. Since the pandemic she’s been approaching it from a different angle. She continues to see new classes and new teachers. She never wants to stop learning.
“My plan is to change body image issues. Why does everything have to have a label? It's either good or bad. In some ways it's something else to obsess about to keep us from connecting to our true selves. Obsessing about what we look like or what someone said about us is keeping us from discovering our true potential. Gyms and workout classes have become a selfie place where everyone looks perfect. I know people who won’t workout if they don’t look perfect. I want to be able to work out even if they think they look like a mess. Wear what you want, be a mess on the outside so you can work through anything that is messing you up on the inside as you workout. I want to create this fitness ideal that’s showing up messy.”
Power and peace
There is this duality inside her and it’s been expressed in her fitness journey as well. She’s incredibly interested in explosive fitness like running, rowing, and cycling. Up until recently she’s been trying to find balance with yoga. She is taking a leap and will be going to Bali for yoga training.
“It's three weeks long and 200 hours because I think I'm missing that. I'm go go go. I think we have this power and peace within us. I tend to access my power a lot more. I'm okay trying new things but I don't often have access to my peace. Sometimes my power can go to the anger side when my ego can take over. I need that peace to balance it out. I want to create a fitness class that teaches people to be strong but flexible with their body and with life.”
“There's certain things we're good at and we continue to explore them and learn more because we enjoy them. I think we tend to enjoy things we are naturally good or decent at. But I also think there's certain things that challenge us and we decide we don't like them. We don't want to be challenged but we really don't know if we like them or not.”
“Am I challenged or do I really not like it? Take that step further. With yoga I have been taking that step forward. I’m finding that I can get into it now that I understand it more. Maybe we could like everything if we understood it more. For my brain to work I have to understand every little detail. I don't always take the time to do that with things that I’m not naturally decent at .”
Staying present
Being present has helped Eloisa’s mental health in a number of ways. Grounding techniques such as connecting with her five senses has helped with her OCD and anxiety. It’s also helped her feel more grateful. She used to have to eat everything in even numbers. She’d have two pieces of pizza with four pieces of pepperoni on top.
“I don't know where that came from. I think it's because I wasn't present during that time, I definitely was disassociating. Our mind finds other things to obsess about because something inner is off. Instead of fixing what's inside me I'm gonna worry about all the other stuff. What am I avoiding dealing with? When something's at friction, there's got to be a change.”
“If you get more into your body, you really do connect. Getting into your bones will help you get out of your mind. Our body does so many things for us right now. You’re breathing, you're not saying, ‘Inhale, exhale.’ Maybe if you left your mind alone and weren't planning everything, something else would come naturally that's supposed to be there.”
“We find different things to distract us. It's avoiding the uncomfortable but you have to sit in that silence. Be okay with silence. When you're out with friends just be okay sitting in this place. Why do we have to be doing something? What am I doing with my life, this is what I'm doing. Right now. I'm sitting on this grass. What if we were able to pause in that way?”
“You have to be uncomfortable. Figure it out without finding those distractions. The second I figured out I could sit in silence it did help with a lot of other coping mechanisms.”
Finding hope
“My hope is that there can be a world of caring and living in a more joyful way. If I love and care for myself and you love and care for yourself we're not going to get in a fight over this parking spot. Because we are joyful. We are living our light. The second you see somebody with that light on it inspires somebody else. When you’ve seen somebody talk about something they’re passionate about they come alive. My ultimate goal is for everybody to be connected to a place of their true light."
“I'm still at this point where I don't fully hold myself in that secure spot. Until you hold that you're going to be looking for external validation as well as external problems. Every single human wants to be seen and heard. You can’t fully see or hear another person, until you see, understand and fully accept and love yourself.”
“Only you can change the situation around you. And with that, you might want to change the people around you, you might want to change your job. Or you learn to live with it.”
“There is a part of me that sometimes goes back into, ‘Oh you can control the situation.’ Right now I'm happy that I'm able to notice those thoughts. That's an old habit, that's an old condition. It takes time when you're learning something. I’m grateful to be here right now and be aware of it. Let's figure out how to do this. We're going to stay present. We're going to sit here.”
Eloisa Sachs • May 6, 2023
