William & the emotional whiplash

Transitions

William doesn’t remember much of his childhood. His parents went through a divorce around the time he was born. He has hazy memories of his mother. She contracted HIV when he was 3 years old and was forced to hand her kids over to her ex-husband due to declining health.

Williams says, “For me it wasn't the worst transition, I don't know how I came to terms with my stepmom and my dad and his new life and being separated from my mom. This is a new program. Let's go for it. This is your new mom. You have no choice. Just go."

The memories that he does have are fond. Growing up in the Tallahassee projects he ran around with the neighbor children and ate his fill of pigs in a blanket. His older brother remembers it differently.

William recalls, “You know he experienced something totally different like the pigs in a blanket.” Later in life William's brother explained that their mother had gotten into a fight at the food stamps line. She spent the week in jail. William says, “My aunt who was maybe 18 at the time and her boyfriend were watching us and all they fed us was pigs in a blanket for a whole week. My brother to this day, he can’t stand pigs in a blanket.”

William would visit his mother less and less over the years. She didn’t want them to see her in this fading state. She died when he was 12. He wasn’t aware it was AIDS until 6 years later when he needed her death certificate when applying for college. She was on the diabetes floor and had figured that was the cause.

“I think there's more grieving to do for sure, but I'm trying to find purpose in the pain. What can I do to move on from the grief? How do I turn this into something good?"

After her death William and his family went to the cemetery to pay their respects. “We go to the grave site, and they can't find her grave. She was buried in an unmarked grave which added insult to injury. No one talks about her and then they couldn't even find her. I don't remember my reaction to it. I probably compartmentalized it and moved on.”

Forgotten memory

“What I remember is that my mom was always the sweetest person. Super beautiful. Just looking at pictures of her. They also said she had a dark side which I didn’t know too much about.”

"I only have three or four memories of her. I have this [memory], I don't know, maybe two or three years old, but I knew she was a huge Anita Baker fan. She was a R&B singer in the 80s."

"I remember so clearly because we're watching the Grammys and it was just starting. It was naming all the artists that are gonna be there and they said Anita Baker and I remember her and I both looked at each other and gave each other this knowing smile. She was so excited. I was like, ‘You like her.’ We were connected in that way. That’s a good memory that I hold on to and forgot about until recently.”

College & Chicago

When William moved in with his father and stepmom he took his new start in stride. His stepmom encouraged William to educate himself. He got into Florida A&M University in his hometown. He saw college as a way out.

William had an interest in journalism but was discouraged when he saw a family friend only making $30,000 right out of college. He would instead get his MBA with a focus on accounting. He became president of the National Association of Black Accountants and graduated with honors.

William got an internship at a Chicago accounting firm and would accept the full time position. He fell in love with the city instantly. He says, “It was beautiful. I was enchanted. I was walking around tasting the snow. I remember the first day. It's a fairy tale. They were filming Fred Claus the movie with that actor from the Hangover. I did watch it a couple times because I came across the extra’s lane.”

Then it came time to work. “So I started that job, it’s great, but it's so busy. During the internship we did not work like that but now that they got you it’s like slave time baby. You will see no sunlight. Mostly during tax season. From January through April it was hard long hours. It was okay because I was young, my coworkers were young.”

"We're in the city working hard but we're playing hard going out to bars. Mind you I didn't really party in college so I was letting loose. I gained 60 pounds that first year."

Moment of clarity

William was 27 years old at the time. He decided it was time to come out. He had known since he was 7 or 8 years old that he was attracted to boys.

“I pretty much battled it all on my own. I didn't have the type of parents you would feel comfortable going to tell them anything. You could just tell the family dynamics, people don't like to share stuff. People don't want to look like disappointments in front of their families.”

“There's a whole bunch of dynamics that you really feel as a child. I dealt with it alone. I would say the Lord's prayer every night and I would say it two times in a row. Almost like, ‘Please don’t make me gay, please don’t make me gay.’”

“When I got to 13 there was nothing I could do about it. I was gay but I didn't date girls. I internalized the shame and kept it to myself and learned how to hide it."

William focused on getting through middle school. Then high school. Then college. His main motivator was always to leave. To always move to the next thing. He says, “I started to develop all these skill sets that propelled me but also eventually started to hold me back from being the full person I am. I didn't really get a chance to explore that as a kid growing up.”

What kind of skill sets?

“Keeping quiet. Coming off meaner than I actually am. People would say I was heartless, people would say I was cold or I was always pushing people away. I didn't want them to get to know the real me out of survival. That was the culture when I was growing up.”

New emotions

He fully embraced his new identity and it came with a wave of emotions. He experienced his first crush at 27. “I call it arrested development because [I had] all those emotions you have when you're 12-13 and you first get your first girlfriend-boyfriend,” he says.

“And the breakup, which is the most horrible thing that’ll ever happen. All this was happening to me when I was 28 years old. All you do is talk to your friends about this person. They get annoyed with you because you're talking like that annoying teenager but at a late age.”

I asked him how he learns to deal with those emotions when they arise. “Really feel those feelings. Try to cry. Don't block those things away. Understand that pain so you can move past it. Forgive yourself. People are very hard on themselves for mistakes they've made. But I think you can't keep beating yourself up about it.”

California dreaming

William began to grow bitter towards the cold and bored with the job. At the time he was falling in love too. He followed his boyfriend out to California before realizing they weren’t a good match.

“He and I did a trip to Asia before we moved. During that trip in Asia, I realized I wasn't able to live with him. He annoys me. Maybe it's my defense mechanism. Pushing people away when they’re getting too close. Not being able to enjoy those loves. I was never really happy about anything.”

William told me that graduation was the saddest day of his life. “I don't know why. Maybe it’s the anticipation of moving on to the next thing and not knowing what’s gonna happen. But I think I was mourning my mom. Knowing she's not here to see any of this.”

“I got so sad as I was getting closer to him. That trauma of being taken away from someone you love so much at the drop of a dime. That made me afraid to accept someone as a partner in a relationship.”

William moved out of their apartment soon after arriving in LA. He never went back. William says, “We were still friends but I just kind of stopped talking to him with no conversation. Just terrible. I didn't have the emotional intelligence to do that at the time.”

Connection

After years of shutting himself off, he has learned to embrace others. He says, “It's everything. You don't want to be isolated. We’re humans and we are social beings. It's so important to reach out with your friends, have a conversation with your family, and go to dinner. Even when you aren't feeling like it, force yourself to do that because you need it.”

“That's the only way you're gonna get better. [That’s] something I struggle with a lot. I lived inside myself. That's been a hard thing for me to do, is to ask for help. Whenever I do get help, I’m like, ‘Damn I should have asked for that earlier.’”

Volunteering

He found opportunities to give back to his community as well. His accounting firm sponsored trips for employees to volunteer. He spent a week in Belize helping students fill out college applications and giving tours of colleges and banks. In New Orleans he had a chance to paint the school. He taught the kids about finance and how to set up a budget.

Most recently he’s been working with Outward Bound Adventures. He and a group of kids took to Utah for a seven day trip. He says, “It was my first seven day trip like that and it was emotional whiplash because there were 12 kids, six instructors, a tight schedule, and three national parks. [There was] a lot of driving, a lot of behavioral management, a lot of the kids opening up to you.”

“Some of these kids had tough lives. There's this one kid who has seen so much violence in Honduras. His best friend was killed right in front of him. You take it all in and it's like ‘God damn.’”

Silver lining

William is able to find hope amongst all hardships. He met 3 kids who were on the sexual spectrum and proud of it.

“It was literally the first thing they said when they met you. They would play this music in our van with all these queer artists and it just made me so happy because growing up, I did not have that. There was no way I could have done that. To see the kids being proud and ready to fight over anybody coming at them for who they are. That gave me hope for the future. The kids are gonna be alright. We’ll be in good hands.”

Then he talked about hope in his own life. He told me, “I think that hope will have to come from dreaming and setting goals. Thinking about what you want for your future then moving towards that goal. That's another source of inspiration.”

“I haven't done that yet. I don't know why. I have some vision in my head but I haven't really written it out and really started to go for it. It’s not going to be comfortable to change your current circumstances.”

“I kind of want to burn it all down because what has fueled me has been traumatic. Compartmentalizing stuff and running away. Who am I without that trauma? What is that going to look like? And with society pressure saying, ‘This is where 37 year olds should be.’ How do I ignore that and move towards whatever path feels right for me. You have to have bravery for it. I haven't really summed up that bravery yet. Feel like I'm right around the corner.”

William Wiggins | July 30, 2022